Declarative Statements

The Bill of Rights is Boring (A 10 part declarative statements series)

You know what I love? The Bill of Rights. It’s totally rockin’.  However, people keep tearing it down, trying to change it, trying to fuck with it’s grill. Why? Maybe because it’s god damn boring as hell. As cool as being protected from cruel and unusual punishment would be, if we actually were, it just feels like a given, not like a super fun bonus perk to being an american.  Here are my suggestions for an updated Bill of Rights, starting with that dusty standby, the first ammendment.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  Also, Congress will treat each American to one complimentary movie, pizza delivery or massage each month, on the day their birthday falls. The citizen can choose any movie currently playing and any pizza currently having been invented.  The movie will be at a theater of the citizens choosing, the pizza from a restaurant of his or her choosing and the massage will be performed by a Congressman representing the citizens district. On a citizens birthday, he or she will be provided with a complimentary movie, pizza delivery and massage simultaneously.