Declarative Statements

The more a man makes declarative statements, the more apt he is to look awesome in retrospect.

Dec 30, 2008 11:41pm

If you are older than 18 years old you shouldn’t sing like the Blink 182 guy

Why do I know people who like blink 182 anyway? To me, an anti blink 182 stance is like an anti world hunger stance. But even if you ignore all of their other faults, the way that guy sings should sound to you the same way I imagine John Mccains neck tastes.

Nov 3, 2008 3:47pm

I do not need movies to use music to tell me how to feel

This is annoying and lazy.  I saw Zach and Miri over the weekend, which was average in all respects, and Kevin Smith is a prime offender here. Has he always been like this? Theres a scene where Seth Rogan is longingly staring at Elizabeth Banks, the actors, they are acting and showing emotion, we know they secretly love each other (SPOILARS).  But when “Hey” by the Pixies is playing the background, and while they stare at one another in slow motion, Frank Black is saying over and over “We’re chained” that just puts too fine a point on it.

There are many examples of this in the movie and it’s just clumsy and annoying.  I’m just imagining a script that reads something like-

ZACH looks at MIRI, his expression shows longing and love, they are chained.

MUSIC- “We’re chained. We’re chained. We’re chained. We’re chained. (Kimdeal-chained).  We’re chained. We’re Chained.”

And end scene, the audience now knows the characters are “chained.”

Also, HOLY SHIT, is the preview of “Confessions of a shopaholic” about the worst preview I’ve ever seen. God damn.

Oct 1, 2008 3:05pm

The Bill of Rights is boring, #8 out of #10

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. + super bonus: Free dentistry for everyone for their whole lives! 

Sep 29, 2008 12:57pm

The Bill of Rights is Boring (part 7)

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. In suits at common law where the value of controversy shall not exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by Paperboy shall be preserved.

Sep 11, 2008 9:37am

www.gog.com is a cool website

I feel that it is possibly not the best move to actually endorse a website like this, but if you look at it, you can see how in line it is with my interests.  I recommend everyone drop everything, spend six dollars, and install fallout 2 on their work computers right now.

Sep 8, 2008 12:42pm

The Bill of Rights is Boring Part 6 of 10

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense. Also, since trials are pretty stressful, you have the right to have the animal of your choice with you in courtroom, be that it does not exceed the size of a large dog. You have the right to pet this animal during the proceedings.

Aug 30, 2008 1:02am

BONUS DECLARATIVE STATEMENT

The Rocker is a fucking awful movie.  Fuck that movie. Fuck it, fuck it. One of the worst movies in years.

Aug 29, 2008 5:10pm

The Bill of Rights is boring (ammending ammendments, part 5 of 10)

No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. Ok, so Crime-o-Vision is a futuristic version of sunglasses that allow cops to only see you if you are comitting crime or about to comitt a crime or have just comitted one. These will be built using future technology.  Also, in regards to self incrimination, this doesn’t really work right now as, in any jury’s mind, saying “I plead the fifth” is the same as saying, “yes, I did whatever it is you’re asking.”  So, now instead of just staying you are pleading the fifth, you can just lie.  Why not? These will probably be detected by something called Lie-o-Vision. But juries will not be given that specific set of futuristic sunglasses.

Aug 24, 2008 12:53am

The Bill of Rights is Boring (part 4 of 10)

Short one:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrents shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Also, once technology allows, and if you are generally a cool citizen and have not comitted any crimes in your life, you will be given the ability to become invisible to cops.  Cops will counter this with something called “Crime-o-vision” which will be detailed in a later ammendment.

Aug 22, 2008 1:58pm

The Bill of Rights is boring (part 3 of 10)

Ok, number three, which seems really dated. What the 3rd ammendment supposedly guarantees to you is that the government can’t force you to let soldiers live with you.  I don’t know of any times this has been violated but I’m sure it has. Here is my idea:

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. However, if a citizen is hard up for rent and would like to quarter a soldier or two, they have that right.  It is currently costing the government $220,000 per year per solidier for the war.  So, for each day a citizen decides to quarter a soldier, the goverment will pay that citizen $602.72 or $601.09 in the event of a leap year.

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